Why, exactly, do you deserve a break today?
For what? Existing?
Wednesday misc & excisions. Removed from the fast-food column:
In Fargo we saw McDonald’s commercials years before they came to town. Everyone was keen to try their wares. Worldly kids whose parents took them to The Cities would tell us they’d been there. It was okay. We had our own burger joints - King Leo’s, Henry’s, the Crown - and they were delicious. We didn’t need McDonald’s.
Henry’s was a chain. I think they were on University Avenue, although I may be confusing them with another local chain, William’s. (Note: Google AI says I am hallucinating the existence of William’s, and suggests I am actually thinking about Wahlburgers. I am not.) The Crown was a drive-in by the airport. Great food! Questionable grammar!
In my memory everything was fresh, hot, and liberally dusted with salt and MSG. The burgers were small, so you bought them by the sack. This was a big selling point: not the flavor or the USDA stamp or the special sauce, but the fact that many individually wrapped burgers could be transported in a bag of reasonable size.
King Leo’s occupies a special place in the memory of Boomer Fargoans.
I think this had little to do with the food - which was good, salty, MSG’d - but the recollections of its distinctive visual style. The building was modern. It had a logo. It was ours, somehow. Everyone else had arches; we had points. The name was so evocative that locals rejoiced when someone announced plans to bring it back a few years ago. They built a restaurant designed to look like the old one. And there was great rejoicing!
Until we went there.
The burgers were big fat modern wads. We wanted the thin burgers of yore. Believe me, Fargo has no shortage of big fat modern burger joints. They weren’t good burgers, either, which mystified people. You come into a crowded market with more good will than any other restaurant in living memory, and you sell something that tastes like boiled horse? How? The restaurant failed. It was a lesson. The logo’s not enough.
We continue with the omitted selection:
But the McDonald’s ads were appealing. Everyone was so happy. The uniformed young ladies tilted their pretty heads to the side as they smiled and sang the company song. The people sitting in the restaurant were all laughing.
We didn’t believe that the people behind the counter were really that cute and cheerful, anymore than we believed that everyone who ate there experienced waves of ecstatic joy when they bit into a burger. It was all an exaggeration.
But it was possible, wasn’t it?
I think that was the appeal: if everything was going great, this was possible. If the weather was nice - a lovely day in mid-May, when it’s warm and fragrant, the sprinklers are misting the morning air, the sun has heft, and your heart is buoyed by the simple joy of being alive, sure! The clerk might smile. The guy leaving the McDonald’s might grin and hold the door open. The young couple stopping for pancakes and sausages might be caught up in the chemical farrago of a new love, and radiate cheer and hope. The economy’s doing okay now. There’s a show on TV you love. The music on the radio hits you where you live. And that Egg McMuffin is a damned fine way to start the day. You’re an extra-pepper man. They have plenty of pepper. It’s Thursday in America!
I wasn’t a fan of the tagline: you deserve a break today. (So get up and pass away, we used to sing) It was like the L’Oreal line about costing more, but I’m worth it. Really? The assertion is not sufficient proof. Who says I deserve a break today? What if I’m Hitler? Everyone thinks they deserve a break. That’s the problem. Of course, “Maybe you’ll earn M-D Tomorrow / it’s up to you in this Land of Sorrow” doesn’t pack them in.
I can’t tell you what McD ads are today. The only fast-food ads I see are on the TV at the gym. Burger King ads. Wretched. They feature a singer who’s consistently sour, about a quarter-tone off-key. It’s intentional, and perhaps designed to build a bond with the audience, most of whom can’t sing, either. They certainly stand out, but you could say the same thing about someone attempting to sing about Spicy Melts while a Gestapo-trained investigator probed his gums with a sharp pick.
Two things are sure: 1. people would respond to a new version of the old happy-world fast-food ads. 2. They’ll never make them again. The industry is so besotted by irony and insecurity they are incapable of producing lies with such earnest sincerity.
All this talk about small burgers makes me hungry for a belly-bomber from White Castle. The ambiance is like McDonalds, all white decor, small burgers smelling of onions and coffee that will take the paint off the wall.
I worked at McDonalds in McLean Va (the old single arch one) for about 3 months in the early 80's. That convinced me that I never wanted a job dealing with The Public, because The Public are weird, annoying, and often asses. Ok, maybe only 5% of The Public is that way, but it's enough during the lunch rush.
I'm still amazed that they haven't managed to automate the french fryers and burger flipping. I worked in industrial automation in the 90's and McDees would seem like an easy sell on automation.